How Do You Change Your Mind?
I've been really struggling lately. I've realized over this past year that weight loss has so much more to do with your mind than anything else. If you had asked me how I felt about myself at the end of May I would have had no problem saying I felt great and I had a list of accomplishments to back me up. I honestly didn't care how much I weighed - how I felt about myself had nothing to do with it. Fast forward a few months and I can't stop thinking about my weight. It makes me feel bad every morning when I get dressed. I disappoint myself every day when I grab something bad to eat. I'm depressed by the end of the night that I didn't accomplish what I wanted for the day. Each day those feelings seem to get worse. I really thought I had conquered my attitude about food this past May yet I can't seem to get myself out of this funk. Someone mentioned my birthday a few weeks ago and I started thinking about the goals I had set for myself last year. My birthday isn't until October so there are a few months left to go but I can't physically get to where I wanted to be in that amount of time. I know I am healthier than I was one year ago. I even weigh a little less. Why can't that be enough? Why do I put time lines on everything? Why is my self worth contingent on fitting into a pair of jeans I bought? After everything I've done this year why do I feel like I'm failing again? The problem is the more I feel this way the more I want to eat. Why does eating junk food and candy make me feel better? What am I looking for in food that I can't seem to get anywhere else? The reality is it doesn't make me feel better in the long run. It makes me feel worse. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. I know it's not about food. It's not about being hungry. After the first couple of cookies you're not hungry anymore but you keep eating...why? I've been thinking lately that I might be scared to lose weight. In my mind I've always thought everything is better when you're skinny. I know that's unrealistic but deep down that's how I feel. I think on some level I've had weight as an excuse to fall back on. If something doesn't go the way I want it to, I think "if I was skinny I would have more confidence and the job interview/date/party/everything would have gone better". I wonder if subconsciously I'm petrified to lose weight. I'd have to stand on my own two feet, do all the things I've put-off doing "when I'm skinny". Maybe I'm just scared to find out who I am under this weight. Maybe this weight has been a comfy cocoon and I don't want to let it go...but I do. I want to be that person that feels good about herself. I want to have confidence. I want to fit into those jeans. How do I change my mind? How do I overcome that fear? I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to fail again.
Sarah wrote on 08/19/09 8:55 PM
Lori - I appreciate your honesty so much and as a thinner girl, I can assure you that being "skinny" has nothing to do with confidence and feeling good about yourself. I spent so many years of my life believing that weighing a little less would allow me to feel attractive, confident, and perhaps even lovable. Obsessed with running and eating as few calories as possible, I neglected to develop the deep friendships and invest in activities that would help to build my confidence. I encourage you to consider the source of your confidence - is it how you look, what you've accomplished in the past, how you make a difference in the lives (and animals) around you, the way you listen deeply to a struggling friend, the heart you put into whatever it is that you do in your day, etc? What I am learning is that I am most confident when I am authentically me - somehow being true to myself allows me to have a greater impact on the lives around me. And as I impact the lives around me, I care more about taking care of this body of mine so that I can be here for people as long as I can be on this earth. The healthier I am, the more able I am to fully express who I am in the relationships that mean so much to me. Don't be afraid, Lori! Face the challenge head on! Value, embrace, and lean on the friendships you have:-)